I had a big blow out with mom yesterday. Like I'm talking huge. There were no dramatic yelling sequences or throwing of chairs. There were however two hours of me sitting across from my mother crying explaining to her how I felt much like a failure and how I didn't want this life. I don't want to be home in Orillia. Not now, not ever.
I suppose like most undergrads, I had this golden image of life after university. Things would be great. I'd get an awesome job that was exactly (or just less) than what it is I wanted to do for the rest of my life this summer then I would start my MSc in the fall doing something I adore even more, phytoplankton research.
This of course is not the case. The past 7 weeks have shown me one slap in the face after another. I have no money, I have no job, I have no passport, I have no prospects, and now, I have no masters. Woah. Shitty deal right? Oh yeah, and the boy I was kind of seeing turned out to be insane. Good. Let's attract a few more crazies okay beanie? Yeah sounds good. To hell with that.
Things currently suck. The only thing that is going well right now, is the fact that I just got back from an amazing 4 day get away to Waterloo and got to see a handful of the people who mean everything to me and even though I felt like a failing piece of crap while I was there for the first day and a half or so, the feeling subsided and things felt more like usual. Until I came back.
My discussion with my mom consisted of me talking about how I want to follow the example of my university and come up with a " (x) decade plan". Waterloo is currently in its 6th decade and has a various number of goals it wants to accomplish by the year 2017, also the universities 60th anniversary. I have decided I want to make my own 3rd decade plan. Make my own list of things I want to have accomplished and where I would like to be in my life by the year 2017 when I will be 30. Ew. 30. Vom.
As I'm explaining this to my mother I tell her that I want these goals to be more than the typical, "get married and have kids" agenda. If it happens, it happens but I'd like to not make a life of just that in particular. She said it shouldn't be a goal at all and it should just happen naturally. However, to me it is a goal. To be married and have a family is something I am constantly striving for but I'm not saying I'm going to focus my life around it. That would be no fun. I have oceans to save before I can focus on secondary goals. That's exactly what it is, a secondary goal. Anywho, this turned into us battling about how she thinks it shouldn't be a goal and I explained to her that, that was her opinion and while entitled to it, I was talking about myself in particular not her.
Of course this blows completely out of the water and as most discussions do, becomes completely about my mother. She proceeds to talk about how when she was 17 she was living on her own and working full time and supporting her own mother. This was also, 1970 something. Things as everyone knows, are nothing like they were then, now. In the most round about way possible she tells me that just because now that I have graduated from university and have a fancy piece of paper doesn't mean I'm better than anyone, especially since I'm not working. Now at this point, I already feel like a huge failure not only just because I'm not working but because I'm 22 years old and relying on my parents to support me. Who wants to be in that position after being on their own for 5 years? Not anyone I know. She told me to hurry up and make up my mind as to what I'd like to do for the rest of my life.
I tried to explain to her that for me, that task is actually impossible. I cannot take 5 minutes out of my day and say in 7 years I want to be here, doing this, for this long, with this many qualifications. There are too many things I want to do still, too many places I want to go. I want to make a plan that is actually obtainable, not hypothetical. Shoot for the moon, but shoot past it and you'll be disappointed at what's on the other side. I just feel so lost right now. I feel like a bum, not even a skinny one! Just a big bump on a log. A leech on society. Like a lichen. I just sit there and strip the nutrients out of my environment and eat and eat and eat. Damn lichens.
I don't know what to do...I want to save the world. I want to wake up tomorrow, drive to Hamilton, go to work at CCIW, start my masters in the fall working on water protection and policy and be happy. At the same time, I want to wake up tomorrow, go to Waterloo, and sit in the blissful happiness that the university bubble has provided for the past 5 years. It's a tough position I'm in. Things could be much worse, that's not what I'm saying. Things could just be a lot better.
Time to do some soul searching I suppose.
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