Tues-daze

I've been in a bloomin' daze all day. My stomach is killing me due to the worst antibiotics ever. I can't eat anything because it feels like someone is inside with a razor sharp knife slicing every epithelial cell in there. What I've managed to keep down today? Pomegranate - cranberry tea... that's all folks. Everything else has come back up and it's not been pretty.

Between the sweet sounds of Apparat and doing data entry for a solid hour and a half, these stomach pains have taken a back seat and I've been drifting off into sea of blurred colour. My vision is off today too. Probably just because I'm exhausted but you never know.

We've got an exec meeting tonight to talk about events coming up in the next bit. I should probably write down some stuff to talk about. I feel for shiz though. I've not been pulling my weight and as a result not only am I out of the loop but I feel like I've let everyone down. All it took to get things back on track was about an hour today though. It's just a matter of getting things done and I shouldn't be so apt to being lazy.

I want my bed, I want a plane, I want an unlimited amount of money, I want Ottawa, I want to not be sick, I want the water, I want a better body... I want too much apparently. My bed I can get in about 5 hours. A plane, well that will have to wait a year. An unlimited amount of money will never come since everything has a limit. Ottawa I can go to in 5 months from now and believe me, we'll go there. Being sick, well that's a double edged sword since one side I don't eat and this cold goes away. The other, I eat and it all comes back up in a matter of minutes. This is just another example of how stupid I am. I just ate a big dib knowing quite well that in 5 minutes or so I'll be in gut wrenching pain. This however, has yet to detour me from doing such a thing. I can currently only get water in the form of my shower. This will have to do for present I suppose. As for a better body, besides me giving myself a break from the typical harsh self criticisms I usually induce upon myself, I just need to keep running as often as I have been.

Ugh... I just want to close my eyes and fast forward time. I mean don't you hate that feeling where you just want something to happen and you know you'll handle all the in between parts well and efficiently and get all the work done you need to, but just want the time to go by more quickly?

Also. How do you explain the situation to someone. I'm going to phone my mom tonight... 7:30. Tell her all about what's going on. She already knows I'm going to England next year, the thing is she doesn't necessarily know why. I feel like I shouldn't even bother telling her about him. What's the point? I should just wait until I get over there. It would be so much easier. However, that's not all together fair now is it. I mean, his entire family knows about me. I talk to his best friend semi regularily and I'm happy! Why shouldn't my mother know.

Bah. Stupid head and heart are never on the same page. Then again, if they were how much fun would that be. The ending location is never worth getting to if you don't have to face your fears and cross a few bridges to get there.

Insane tendencies

I have a huge habit of getting ahead of myself and getting overly excited about things when I know deep down I should really just focus on taking each day as it comes.

Lately that's been rather difficult. Lots of things have been changing, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another archetypal sort of experience. As a result, I've been able to blast off into the future and start planning things I shouldn't be planning. For example... today while at work I was smelling a red peony scented floating candle. I then spent the next 10 minutes imagining a bathroom for my big old victorian style cottage that I have also dreamed about.

It was stark white, and quite large with cherry red accents everywhere. Art on the walls of red hydrangeas, red roses and red peonies. It had a big window on the far wall that looked over a big green field, a pond and a garden. The sink was one of those cool ones with the bowl on the top of the counter which was a dark brown chestnut colour. The bath tub was in the middle of the bathroom, with the shower coming out of the ceiling. It was an old bath tub, the ones with the feet. It was a big circle tub where you could lay in it and feel like you were floating in a lake, or have room for more than just you.

It's annoying a lot of the time having overwhelming hopes, dreams and ambitions.

5 bedtime personality test reviews

As my relax session before bed tonight, I figured I would turn on some coldplay and do up some online personality test quiz things. I was relatively surprised at the results but for the most part I wasn't overly shocked. Here are the results -

1. Test your zodiac sign qualities: I'm a true Scorpio!!
This gets a big no shit sherlock stamp. I'm emotional, passionate, and reckless. I hate dead-end relationships. I'm jealous, obsessive and love being neck deep in things.

2. What does your birth tree say about you: Walnut Tree - Intellect, Passion and Confidence
Apparently I'm extremely driven and ambitious and don't give up on things easily. Well, I'm not too sure about that. It did tell me to control my pangs of jealousy... it's not my fault I'm possessive.

3. What does your birth number say about you: 7 - The thinker
The number seven is associated with knowledge and imagination. I'm apparently a logical person that is likely to be very knowledgeable about the world around me. I love questioning things I don't understand and enjoy tranquil environments. I'd not disagree with this but I'm not sure how logical I am. I'm sure everyone has their moments.

4. What colour is your aura: Green (which isn't true...)
"You are compassionate and kind, a lover of animals and people. Greens are fierce protectors of the planet, and are friendly, reliable and strong. You quietly and unassumingly try to change the world for the better."
This isn't incorrect, I'm an environmentalist indeed. However, I can see auras and mine isn't green, it's gold. Fwuh. Lame.

5. What is your Celtic animal birth sign: Owl
"You have a powerful presence and exceptional abilities to leave an enduring impression on those you meet. You are full of wild imagination. You are very sensitive to the world around you. Seemingly, you appear to be completely involved in a variety of activities. But while engrossed in all this, you are able to maintain a detached attitude. Ruled by Pluto, you are deeply passionate."
Hmm... also not a big shocker...

Huh... lame. I expected more. Then again, I'm a whore for quizzes so its not like I'm doing these for the first time.

10 things I didn't know before 11am

10. The things going through my head, while seem strange to me, have made me the person that I am and even though they're crazy half the time I wouldn't change them for the world.

9. My music makes me insanely happy. I every so often pull out my music snob plug and listen to something that's absolutely wretched but catchy. I'd not trade one shitty song that's over produced for one that is full of meticulously thought out chord progressions.

8. I really like spooning, like with anything. Animate or not... when I'm in a cuddle mood I really want to cuddle.

7. Hearing my aunt talk about how much sex her and my uncle have doesn't weird or disgust me out as much I thought it would. Probably because she acts more like a much older sister than an aunt.

6. I've never been more passionate about my field of study as I am right now. I wish we could choose our own specialized program here. There are so many more things I want to learn. As much as I love university and I would never change my experience here, I think I should have gone to college for my first 2 years and then transferred over. I'm an active learner. I need a hands on role, I learn much better that way and University doesn't offer enough applied courses.

5. I want to play the tin whistle, the bodhran and the violin.

4. I want to backpack across Canada

3. I convocate on a Wednesday this year. Which means I may have to choose between my ceremony and a potential job. I have a feeling the job may take precedence and a trip to Waterloo will occur on the weekend.

2. The colours of my tattoo with be black, pink and green. The words will be black and the wings will be pink and green.

1. I only go after things that aren't tangible. Especially when it comes to guys. I've the worst track record for it too. Day 1, fall for a guy who isn't in to you. Day 2 fall for your room mate. Day 3 fall for a guy you've just met. Day 4 fall for a guy who's into guys. Day 5 repeat day 4. Day 6 repeat days 4 and 5. Day 7, find the guy who's just for you, who makes you insanely happy, drives you mental, and lives an ocean away...

I'm a beautiful, amazing walking disaster.

Oh exciting exciting!

Ok! My life is actually making sense right now and here is why...

I've got a plan! I've realized I'm an adult and adults cannot run from things because no one will be there to stop you from running. Running is no way to solve a problem although it may seem the most convenient solution. Battles make you stronger, life is an adventure!

In the past two days I've gone from being lost to having a concrete plan with concrete settings and a less bleak future (not that my future was ever bleak, I'm too smart, too fantastic and too driven to fail). It's like a fairy came down and gave me a confidence shot. Not to a level where I'm over confident though, I mean who likes a douche? No one!

What's the plan you ask? Well here's how things are going to go possibly... with the some variation of course.

Now until May, I'm dedicated to school. Especially come April. I have 3 exams, the last 3 I'll ever have to take. It's time to blow this shit out of the water. Between now and April, I have little to no spare time. I have 2 papers, a presentation and 3 lab reports due by the end of the month and believe it or not I'm going to do fantastically.

From May on, I'll hopefully be in Peterborough doing a research internship for the Ministry of Natural Resources. I WANT THIS JOB SOOOOOO BAD!!!!!!!!! Oh God. I cannot contain how much I want it.

Then come September we'll see how life goes. I'm going to save as much money as I can and book a flight and take off for a good bit. I'm going to apply to a university in England if I can and go there. If not, and if I get this internship in Peterborough and they extend it, I'll apply to do my masters either here in Waterloo or there.

Woo. Life plan. I love this feeling right now. So. Fucking. Much.

So what do you do...

What do you do when fate pulls you in a direction logic tells you not to go down? How do you explain what you're feeling to the people who mean the most to you when you're not quite sure of it yourself? How do you make sense of things that are completely nonsensical? I'd like to know the answers to these.

The most random thing happened not too long ago. I came in contact with someone randomly by chance and just happened to realize that not only is this person eerily similar to me without being too similar that its boring, but they're also amazing in every sort of way. It's not often two people just click immediately. It's really only happened to me once before and well, that amounted to an amazing friendship I wouldn't change for the world. This however is different. Something is just different. It's more than that could have been in more ways than one. There's one large issue though... that person is just under 6000km away. 6000! That's hardly fair if you ask me.

6000 kilometers away? Then how did you meet? That's the thing, we've not yet. It bothers me each time we talk. I want to rant and rave about how fantastic he is to all of my friends but so far only about 3-4 have really shown any support in this. I mean, really, I completely understand. Who wants to see a dear friend thrown into the dark depths of disillusion? Not me personally and while I understand their reservations and completely agree and appreciate them, I wish I could tell them everything and they'd be happy for me.

Whether it's in the cards or the stars or some sort of predestination who knows. Could be pure luck. I want them to understand. I very rarely question their decisions and am often suggesting new ideas. Not this I admit is quite strange. I'm more weirded out than anyone but you can't help what the universe decides should happen. This is going to work out, I'll make sure of it.

itunes chat

Breathe you out, breathe you in, you keep coming back to tell me, you're the one who could have been. You and me, between sheets, it just doesn't get better than this. Oh no, I see, a spider web is tangled up with me. I hate to see you cry, lying there in that position. I'm thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

Love, I hope we get old, I hope we can find a way of seeing it all. Build a wall of books between us in our bed. It's all for nothing, the love we see. It's not the pale moon that excites me. Steal my heart and hold my tongue, I feel my time, my time has come. I felt you in my legs before I even met you. Unsentimental driving around, sure of myself, sure of it now.

Head on the wall, and my piss hardly makes the stall. Fragments of a love, that's all we had. What we had is fantasy. Underneath the moon, underneath the stars, here's a little heart for you. Haven't you heard, I'm stuck on a face, I'm stuck on a boy who fills me with joy. Well painted passion, you rightly suspect.

Everyone, every singer in every song. Everyone, every love who's love is gone. I remember thinking, I'll go on forever only knowing I'll see you again. I know that you think you're not good for anything. The world makes you feel so small. Get on your wooden horse, this is a right not a fight. No need to save face, say goodnight grace. <3.