La dee da.
Have you ever come to the realization that no matter how hard you work, how good you look, how much money you save, really no matter what you do some things will never be obtainable? I came to that realization on four different accounts today. Each being of a somewhat different category but all semi related.
1) No matter how hard I work, I will never be the smartest girl I know, and I will never get into grad school because of the lack of effort I've put into school over the past 4 years. Due to this I'll never be able to do the research I want to do in the area that I want to. It makes me absolutely miserable.
2) As hard as I try, I will never find someone who is as handsome as Adam, as protective as Paul, as geeky as Robbie and as funny as Jon, someone who believes in chivalry, someone who grabs my wrist as I walk away just so he can kiss me one more time, a boy who will be there to hold me randomly and never be afraid of what people might say, someone to always be there no matter what the circumstance. Court pointed out that this isn't such a bad thing. It keeps each one of the boys special to me. However, I'm not sure I'll ever be truly happy until I do.
3) I'll never make as much money as I want to. I want to ensure my family never has to worry about finances. That isn't to say I want my children to have everything handed to them, but I would like to support them in the way my parents never could for me. I'm much luckier than some people in the sense that my parents will acknowledge the fact that I'm starving and unable to pay the rent some times.
4) I seriously need to relax and let life happen. I'm so worried about not living life to the fullest and not finding the one for me. Maybe I am living life to the fullest I can right now, and maybe I'm not supposed to find the one just for me right now. No amount of good looks or hard work is ever going to make me feel more fulfilled or make life happen any faster. It can't be helped, but I wish I could get a good sleep at night. The more I worry about this, the more I break out.
Am I asking too much out of myself? When I tell people I'm fully content on my own am I really? A year later and do I still feel like I need someone to hold my hand? I feel like a walking contradiction. One day I'm happy, contented and feel like I can take on the world. The next I'm tired, shy and withdrawn just trying to find the person I can cling to. I'm so afraid to lose my independence yet I'm so willing to give everything I've learned in the past year up just so I can be in love again.
Doesn't that seem strange to you? If so, think how I feel. It's hard going day by day with your head and your heart in two different places at two different times. Life could be worse, but besides having no job, no money and no prospects, it's looking pretty grey from where I'm standing. Where the hell did that damn colour pallet go? I want it back.
Hi, I just came across your blog and I wanted to share with you some encouragement. I know it's hard to be optimistic right now with all the stresses in your life. I think everyone is feeling the same way.
ReplyDeleteTo you, your marks might not seem "good enough" to get into grad school. I worked in admissions and I know it's not all about the marks, but primarily if a prof is willing to supervise you. If a prof's research interests you, meet with him often and he'll recognize your name when he has to sift through a pile of applications.
For your love life, realize it is all about patience. I was in a long distance relationship and when he came back, he used me to write his assignments and do his laundry/dishes. He dumped me abruptly and I didn't find out until six months later he was in another relationship during the long distance. I was able to open my heart again after being patient, and the wait was worth it. Don't dwell on being single because you'll find him one day, just not today. Use all that negative energy to try something new! You might meet someone in the most unexpected places.
I hope you become more optimistic about your life -- you are a wonderful person! Even when you think you've given it your all, don't be discouraged if it didn't work out and try again.